How's your new year so far? Mine is wild and just amazing!
While strolling this morning to GOD’s (fave Bali-style-best-coffee-in-India Garden Of Dreams Café here in Arambol, Goa) I was wondering how naked I can get in this letter. How much am I able to expose mySelf? Just say stuff how it is right now?
Well.. I’ve finally chosen the naked Truth. And of course I can’t be more honest with you as I am to mySelf in this very moment - but that’s a good start. :)
The Truth is...one year ago in this time I’ve struggled a lot and I just realized now that I hated who I was becoming. Yesterday evening I had a weird moment... I felt so lonely, so at the wrong place and like not belonging. Why? Because a) I couldn’t dance with my foot like everyone else and b) the guy I’m spending time here was chatting with someone else.
Belonging - how much can we long belong and where is the point we’ve lost ourSelves?
Last year at this time Adams family came to travel with us... And I won’t lie but this was one of the hardest times for me. We just spent 2 months offline in crazy India and were struggling to leave each other but also be with each other. Home - I lost all sense of it. And home is actually a symbol of belonging. At least this is my perspective. I came now to a point where I wanna tell you that whatever I share - it’s just my experience, just one view and I’m done with giving tips and knowing it all better - because I fucking don’t.
Anyway...coming back to the story in Sri Lanka. I wanted so badly to belong to his family. Especially I wanted that his mum likes me and I must say at this point that I wanted it so much that I became a crazy person. We had a huge fight and discussion... I was so obsessive about creating a nice picture of myself that I actually became the absolute worst version of my small ego-blinded-fearful-self. And then I just felt empty. I didn’t want anything anymore. I felt so lost and Bali was my savor. I could take refuge in Mama Bali... Yin Yoga in Canggu with Nik Robson was so healing. Finally, I could drop back into MY HEART. FEEL MYSELF.
I hated myself so much because I sold and lost myself so that I can belong - but you can’t buy or fake belonging. And not only that - I didn’t only sacrifice my heart and love for life and flow...but also how can I love my partner if I hate myself? And I did hate myself. I stopped writing - I didn’t know what to write...all seemed fake and that’s the last thing I wanted to be even though I was far away from Self-Honesty. I was so angry and I felt so lonely, I would scream and destroy everything around me - begging for love and just feeling so so so sad. Where have we lost our love? I ask mySelf that often.
I still keep (okay last week was the time to throw it into the ocean with lots of gratitude but also readiness for a new chapter :) one shell-necklace that Adam gave me when we met back in Nicaragua. It reminds me of LOVE. And it reminds me ofloving the other person as a whole and not only when they comfort us with what we’re lacking. I’m still sometimes sad that we lost so many present moments where we could have loved each other and enjoyed the time we had... Well, maybe now as new friends we can. I don’t know. I just know that this was the biggest wake-up call for me. It smashed me on the earth and it scared the shit out of me when I heard the voice within telling me that it is time to learn to be alone. That it is time to let go. How? I mean Adam will always have a place in my heart and if he would ask me for help I’ll be there - he was the most important human being for 1,5 intense years on the road for me. 24 hours. Everyday. But I’m happy for both of us that we’re now back in our own energy...when I see the beautiful pictures he is taking now again, I feel really happy. It is not love if the other person can’t bring its gifts to the world.
Now I’m at a point where I’m leaving behind all rules, all things strict, everything that makes me feel in a cage, all should’s and stuff that others try to impose on me but they aren’t my truth. I’m questioning everything because I’m not sure what comes truly from my heart and what did I just impose on mySelf so that I can try to create a feeling of belonging?
For example, I’m struggling right now with veganism. With healthy food. With all package-free. I struggle because it’s an illusion that this is all cheap and easy when you are traveling in places like India. It’s not. And I felt so guilty for not feeling it. For just wanting to enjoy what the fuck I want because I have no energy to look for stuff around. And yup, it might be very selfish. And yup I know all the facts. But I also see how it comes from my mind - all those rules, it’s not driven by the heart.
Also not only was I an angry person... I was a fucking judging bitch. The last thing I wanna be. Truly not my vibe anymore. Should yourself. Do whatever you want. I’ll speak up if I feel it and I’ll show my emotions but who am I too fucking judge, anyone? Who am I to think you’re stupid to drink coca cola? Or eat sugary non-vegan-cake? WHO? What gives me the right to think I am better than you? It’s bullshit because I am not and there I see the non-purity in that. So what’s my medicine? Allowing mySelf that amazing apple crumble cake. That cappuccino. That lime soda. Without fucking guilt.
At the ashram where I was once again losing my ground, I started “detoxing”. Only raw food. Controlling my food. Oh - wow. Wait a moment... Restricting mySelf, so I can at least control something? Because everything else falls apart?
Wow. What about now eating that feta cheese salad and enjoying the raw peanut butter cake? What about allowing mySelf all? It’s so liberating. I could almost cry. When I found out that some vegans aren’t perfect... It took away so much pressure from me. I even wanted to try eating eggs... but I just can’t get over the smell :D haha... I’d probably even eat meat if that’s what my heart would call for. I don’t say this is all the right way, my playing, and juggling with extremes - but that’s me. I like stuff extreme. I enjoy feeling ALIVE. And I see my skin doesn’t look the greatest in India...but still I’m shinning and never felt as pretty because I’m getting comfortable inside of mySelf.
I’m finding out new things about me... like crazy wild dancing is so nourishing for my soul. Or that I forgot how much I love to make myself feel beautiful, wear jewelry and sparkling bindis. Or how fucking terrifying it is to be truly naked. I mean this is just a text I’m typing on my computer. I don’t have to face you while you are reading and maybe judging me, maybe applauding. The thing is... it doesn’t matter. And it still somehow does. When that guy and I triggered each other - because we’ve been projecting our old stories on each other, I started attacking. I started being a lioness. Where I just felt hurt. Where I just felt sad. And he felt pushed away, not accepted. Well, isn’t that a nice mirror? Once he spoke his truth and I cried and sobbed mine out... We could meet in a very loving and understanding energy.
During my Tantric Hatha Yoga and Divine Feminine teacher training here in Goa, we experimented a lot with the idea that everyone else is just us in a different form. If we’re all stardust and we come from the same essence, then wait... it’s just us. Us reminding us of us.
It’s all a play...all a game and never-ending balance of openness and boundaries. Seeing my human tendencies like jealousy and laughing about it, is humbling me. Allowing myself to be my most silly and unconscious version is so freeing. Whatever it’s labeled as wrong or right. That’s why I love the tantric path so much... ALL is DIVINE. Nothing is holier or less spiritual. Important is what is your Truth? What do you feel in your heart?
Living Yoga - experimenting with life - discovering new stuff about ourSelvesand just being curious. Yeah... I like curiosity and experimenting. It’s kinda not too heavy... it can be terrifying. And it can be pure bliss. I love to lose mySelf in bliss and ecstasy... but the last couple of days I just sat on the ground with tons of ants in my room - my feet wounded from different accidents..and one huge horrifying nail I stepped into. Remembering that I’m right now in this human body - or at least it appears like this. Whatever real means. I mean... how do we know? What’s real? What’s unreal? We just think we know everything... but what is beyond the mind? Beyond that smallness?
I see how many people stopped following my journey... either it’s too much pain or it’s too much joy or it’s too much though love. It just shows me you can’t make anyone out there happy. Everyone is on their own journey and at the same time, I’m growing my tribe of super mega amazing sisters all over the world.
And I’m inviting you to become part of this brave woman tribe and join me for the once-in-a-lifetime adventure to Goa, India in January 2019.
Control will just create more tension and heaviness, where trust leads to flow and experiencing life RICHLY.
I want to feel ALIVE. I want to live a RICH life.
Means deeply experiencing all that life gives me - feeling it, sensing it, smelling it, tasting it.
Because not living in alignment with your heart is being dead before death. It means denying and hurting yourself so deeply. It's not always easy to die again and again on this inner journey but anything else is not an option anymore - numbing myself just doesn't work anymore. You can only experience deep joy if you have met your deepest pain.
So sister... I want to create this safe space for you to experience and play with life beyond your comfort-zone, shoulds and conditioning.
The early-bird-price is ending on September 30th. Read more & book your spot now.
//this was written in Goa, India in February 2018//