I stopped believing in magic - my depression in Zurich, not wanting to feel human & opening my heart
"I will believe in magic."
This was one of the sankalpas I set during the Yin Yoga Teacher Training with Nik Robson.
And it brought me to tears because I realized that I had lost my belief in magic. After my intense time in the Amritpuri Ashram, where I've cultivated a lot of spiritual tapas (spiritual discipline & fire) and really learned to create and protect my boundaries without much effort. After that, I have left for Goa and the Life Into The Wild Retreat by my sister and teacher Jessica.
It was a process of re-learning.
Letting all just break away from me, that has been holding me back - stuff that either I got imposed in our Western Society or me self-imposed because I longed to belong.
This has been such a fucking liberating experience and it kept going deeper and deeper during my 100 hours Tantric Hatha & Divine Feminine Teacher Training with Heidi Dietrich and Jessica. I love my sisters.
And since Goa I feel like "fuck rules, go should yourself!"
I've never felt so mySelf.
I went to Ecstatic Dance twice a week and felt so high on life. I was floating. And I had many out-of-body-experiences. Which was in a way beautiful but also it put me a bit in a space where I started having aversions against the earth.
One night I thought I'm dying. And Heidi said to me: "You're not dying. You just feel more human again and humans do feel like this and it's pretty normal and you gotta feel like this sometimes, so you can teach from experience and get people where they are so that you can give them what they want...and more importantly what they need. ."
And I was holy shit... Because I remember I've felt so blissed out in Goa that I couldn't believe that I was holding on to so much shit that actually weighted me down instead of letting me rise high.
On being human... I left Goa at the beginning of March and flew to Bali - during this trip I was so emotional because not only did I leave a man who I really feel in my heart and had an amazingly deep experience with, I also had to go back to something more human. Yeah, Bali is a paradise. But in Goa, I was literally floating all the time and I loved it. Like I didn't want to be in my body and deal with all this human stuff. Which may sound so far away from someone living a day to day life somewhere in a busy city.
Somewhere between feeling really blissed out and liberated from so many imposed shit and being mega high (not on drugs, just on spiritual practices, dancing and being mySelf) and being called to come back on earth (I kept hurting my feet and I would have bloody feet after ecstatic dance, not feeling anything during dancing because I wasn't in there anymore) I lost my belief in magic.
I've asked myself why would anyone want to have a human experience. I craved something more. I craved going home. I craved feeling reunited and feeling like truly belonging. But not the way you might think like a place, human or something out there. I mean I missed home. The infinite one. I must say at this point that I didn't have any suicidal thoughts. I just didn't know what I should do on this crazy planet. I went through a really hard time in Bali while I was teaching twice daily 90minutes 6 times a week and just feeling really heavy and like a lost sense of why I'm here.
Then I went back to Zurich - I had a glimpse of hope and excitement for teaching, which just vanished as soon as I walked through the city, feeling like an absolute alien.
I felt bored. After an amazing women circle of Mama Universe, I set with my best friend Deborah and she looked at me with somehow surprised and a bit sad eyes and said: "Wow, you are so bored."
Yup. There was like zero fire or motivation inside of me. I felt like being human was senseless. In the first weeks in Zurich, I spent about 4-5 hours a day just meditating, sitting in stillness, going for walks. I missed India and my sisters so much.
Then I realized that my soul chose to be on earth. That it was my choice.
Realizing that your power is within you, is very empowering. So I stopped trying to fit in and just did my thing. I started teaching yoga for women inspired by the Wisdom Goddesses. We did some crazy stuff and I just loved realizing that I do have soulsisters in Zurich too and that it's just an old pattern to wanna belong and so often if I do a reality check I actually don't want to belong :D it sounds like when I was in Goa I've been friends all the time. But the truth is that most of my time I am just by myself. But probably feeling alone in a place that you're actually surrounded by people who love you and you just can't open up to that love, is just so much harder.
To be continued.